God Grant Me the Serenity
by Rae325
Summary: Charlotte tells Cooper the last of her secrets: that she's responsible for a woman's death. Set post-season 3.


I recently re-watched the intervention episode, and it made me wonder when and how Charlotte told Cooper what led her to get clean. This story is my attempt to answer that question. Set just after the season 3 finale. Hope you enjoy. Feedback is appreciated!

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They're engaged now. Cooper had orchestrated the perfect proposal: flowers, Etta James, and declarations of love. And then there had been the post-proposal sex. Charlotte had once told Cooper that sex was best when you wanted to kill the other person. Now she thinks she was wrong; sex is best when you're in love. Charlotte King does not think things like that. She doesn't talk about _making love_ or any of that kind of garbage you'd find in the stupid romance novels that her momma always reads. But, God help her, Cooper had come into her life and made her think about soul mates and forever and all those things that a grown woman should know not to believe in.

Charlotte's laying in Cooper's arms thinking about how she could get used to this feeling, get used to forever with this man. He's broken up with her twice because she hadn't been open with him, and while everyone thinks that she's heartless, she knows it will break her to lose him again. She knows that once he hears this last secret of hers he won't be able to love her. The longer she lets herself believe that she can have forever with him, the more it will hurt when it ends.

"I need to tell you something," Charlotte whispers, and the scene is eerily reminiscent of when she'd told him about her marriage to Billy. Cooper tenses, struck by the sense of déjà vu. This time, Charlotte knows, it won't be a slow burn for weeks before a knock out fight in the conference room. This time his reaction will be immediate: he'll have the same sense of revulsion at Charlotte that she feels for herself when she stops and thinks about what she's done.

"The reason I didn't tell you that I was married before," she starts, staring at a spot on the wall, "wasn't because of anything to do with you or Billy. He cheated on me, and that sucked, but men cheat. It happens." She waves it off flippantly, like being cheated on by your husband is nothing. Cooper knows that her husband's betrayal must have hurt Charlotte, and this reminds him that she will never be someone who is up front about her emotions, who comes home after a bad day and tells him all about it. Pete had been right; he's in for a challenge marrying Charlotte. But he loves her and he can't live without her, so he'll find a way to make it work.

"When I told you I was a different person back then…I hope it's true…I try everyday." Cooper looks down at his fiancé, who's resting her head on his chest, looking away. She sounds vulnerable in a way Cooper hasn't heard before. He's seen her break down in sobs after her father died, but the second she'd stopped crying, she'd pulled herself together. Her voice had been steady and she'd told him that she was fine.

"What is it, Charlotte?" he coaxes. His voice is soft, and Charlotte hates it. She does not deserve his compassion.

"When I found Billy in bed with another woman, I started hitting him. That tramp hit me over the head with a lamp, knocked me out. At the hospital, I asked for pills. I knew what I was doing. My momma has been hooked on pills since I can remember." Cooper's never heard her talk about her addiction before, and he's surprised to hear her willingly offer up details about this aspect of her life. He squeezes her arm, trying to be supportive, but Charlotte shrugs his hand off her. Ah, that's more like it, Cooper thinks.

"I kept using for months. I went to work high," she shakes her head at herself, disgusted, thinking back to who she'd become in those months. "I was driving home one night. I'd just convinced a colleague to write a scrip for me. I filled it immediately, of course, and took a few pills to help get me through the evening. I started to doze off while I was driving." Charlotte closes her eyes. She can see the woman's body covered in blood on the hood of her car. Charlotte fights back the nausea and continues, "I swerved into oncoming traffic, caused a woman to go off the road. I killed her." The word spill from Charlotte's mouth: blunt and harsh.

Charlotte can feel Cooper still against her. She should get up; she should get her clothes. She can't be with someone who knows about this part of her life. She shouldn't have let herself love him. She deserves this pain; deserves not to be with Cooper. There isn't enough that the world could do to her to punish her for what she's done. As Charlotte begins to get lost in her thoughts, she feels Cooper squeeze her arm again.

Cooper doesn't know what to say. He can't tell her it's ok, because it's one of the most terrible things he's ever heard. Charlotte walks around with this everyday. He had no idea, and he thinks that maybe if he hadn't immediately begun accusing her of lying to him when she'd told him about her marriage, she would have told him about this sooner. Cooper feels like an idiot for thinking that Charlotte keeping her marriage from him was about Cooper being a replacement for her ex-husband. His petty jealousy had gotten in the way of their relationship.

If he's going to marry Charlotte King, he needs to learn to be patient. She may not tell him everything immediately, but she usually comes to him when she's ready, asks for help in her own way. Right now, she's offering up something huge, trusting him with this awful secret. "Did you go into rehab after that?" There's more of her story to hear. That night hadn't been the end for Charlotte. She's here: a strong, passionate, sober woman. He wants to know how she became the woman lying in his arms.

Cooper's words take a minute to register with Charlotte. She had been expecting the conversation to be over the moment she told him that she was a killer. She hadn't been prepared for him to have any questions besides, "can I have the ring back?"

"Yes, I went to rehab." She doesn't say more about what had been the worst month of her life. Fighting to stay clean, thinking she could never find a way to live with what she had done. "I came out, and I finished the last year of my residency. Then I moved out of Baltimore as quickly as possible. I needed to get away from where I'd let myself become that woman." Maybe it had been cowardly, to run from the constant reminder of being a killer, but Charlotte doesn't think she would have been able to function if she'd stayed. And she thinks that least if she's a doctor and she's working to save lives, then she's doing something good. It can never bring back the woman she killed, but it's better than nothing.

Cooper slides his fingers along Charlotte's jaw. He's touching her so softly that she doesn't think she can handle it. She doesn't deserve his affection. Cooper nudges Charlotte's chin up so that he can look her in the eyes. She doesn't want to make eye contact. She doesn't want to see him looking at her differently. But when she does meet his eyes she finds acceptance. Even knowing this horrible thing she'd done, he loves her. Charlotte may not believe that she deserves his love, but she isn't strong enough to refuse it. She can't change the past, she reminds herself. _God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. _But she can move forward with the man she loves, she can be grateful for this second chance that she doesn't deserve. She can spend her life trying to make him happy. She and Cooper, they can do better this time. _The courage to change the things I can_. The past is the past, but Charlotte and Cooper can make it work this time. She knows it. _And the wisdom to know the difference._


End file.
